Local Legend
made this decision because of, “what happened last year.” Lee is
one of those local legends. You know the kind I mean. Famous in
an area despite the fact that no one really knows much about
them. unparalleled ability to break wind at will. He can not only
slice the air whenever he wants but has absolute control over
the length, volume, density and odor. He is remarkable.
He isn’t invited to people’s homes anymore. He has been banned
by most of the restaurants and bars. Two local churches
excommunicated him. His own parents threw him out, telling him
not to pass this way again.
July 4th is big doins here like other places. Over at Patriots
Point there is an all day celebration. The point is a naval
museum on the Wando River leading to the harbor. One of the
things it has is an aircraft carrier. The finale is shooting
fireworks from the flight deck. That’s where this is headed.
Fart George stood on the end of the deck. He had thousands of
sparklers attached to him. As the last fireworks faded into the
night, George lit up. It was a spectacular sight. Then Fart
George cut loose a tremendous fart. It sounded like a sonic
boom. Down the flight deck he went. What a sight! He hit the end
of the deck and went up like a bird. Fart George wasn’t a bird
though. He soon enough ended up in the river. The Coast Guard
was called in.
The Coast Guard was finishing up a bad day. July 4th was the
day every once a year sailor went out on his boat. After a case
of Ice House he was in trouble. Call the Coast Guard! So, they
weren’t in a good mood when they got the distress signal about
Fart George. They didn’t have any trouble finding him. They
noticed a little odor as they approached him but put it down to
swamp gas. They were half right.
George was keeping afloat by blowing bubble farts. It was
enough to provide some buoyancy but not be offensive, except to
the fish, who were dying right and left. It was like being in a
whirlpool, if the pool was also an outhouse.
The Coasties yanked him out of the water and started yelling at
him. Not just the officers, the enlisted men too. Fart George
took so much and then let out a tremendous fart. It sounded like
a cannon going off. It was so powerful that it loosened some of
the rivets and peeled the paint from the deck. The cutter
started to sink. The coasties abandoned ship, except for the
Captain. No, he was going down with her. His career was over.
The river isn’t that deep there so he didn’t even get his feet
wet.
George was charged with destruction of government property. The
captain wanted him hanged from a yardarm while being shot. The
jury found him guilty and the judge was prepared to send George
away for awhile. As Fart George stood to hear his sentence he
smiled. The prosecutor grimaced and went to the bench to have a
sidebar with the judge. The judge looked at George, looked at
the door, looked at George again. No, he’d never make it. He
gave Fart George one day and suspended that.
As Fart George was leaving the courtroom, he passed by the
captain and passed gas. Just a series of quiet little ones. Just
enough to tarnish the captain’s brass.
